It's time to say Goodbye
I’ve been feeling something that I haven’t been able to identify – grief!
Before I continue, let’s have a look at what grief is.
According to Wikipedia: “Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”
The truth is I lost myself. This might not be what you think. At the start of 2018 I knew that some changes needed to be made and I was finally ready to make them. 2018 stretched me like never before – it was challenging year with many adjustments. There were also a few unexpected speed bumps along the way –but that’s life, right? In November I went for my first surgery of what would be 3 in less than 6 months.
Something happened after all those surgeries, something changed me and my way of thinking shifted. It’s similar to 2017 and when I was in counselling and it changed me for the better. Life is so short and so many things happen that scar us, change us and shape us. Sometimes we carry hurt for years, even decades.
I love people, they are my passion and where I get my energy from. People add so much colour to life. Well, at least to mine. So naturally I love encouraging people, trying to make them see the amazing humans that they are and support them in whichever way possible. The truth is I’m not so great at encouraging myself or making myself see how “amazing” I am. For such a long time I have had the worst self-image. I’ve been really good at self-sabotaging myself and self-deprivation. I haven’t loved myself well or felt worthy for most of my life. My level of self-worth has been pretty much worthless.
This all became my norm for almost two decades – it’s all I knew. I didn’t believe in myself or that I’d amount to much, that I’d be successful, find true happiness, deserve love, find freedom, fulfillment or find my purpose. It was a very dark place – my inner self. The last 2 years I’ve been on this journey of rediscovery and trying to truly embrace the woman that God has called me to be. But it’s been tough –I’ve been afraid of the person I am becoming, and I have deeply and desperately grieved for the person I used to be.
It may not make sense and I know how dysfunctional this may sound that I miss the broken person that I used to be – but that’s what I knew for two decades. I believed that I was a mistake, that I was always going to be second best, that I wasn’t enough, that I was unworthy and not deserving of much. I didn’t know that they were lies, because those things became my truth. I developed coping mechanisms – most of which were not healthy ones. I’ve never really had goals or dreams until the start of 2019 – because it seemed pointless if I’d never reach or achieve them. I’ve lived in the shadows for most of my life. This has led to much heartache and regret – just thinking of all the opportunities that I’ve missed.
As much as I am so grateful that God has brought me this far, I am still trying to figure out so many things about the woman God has called me to be as well as to truly walk in the healing and freedom that Jesus paid the price for. There’s so much that I am still trying to embrace. Thank goodness God is patient and gracious. But some days have been hard – some days I missed the old Bianca, her coping mechanisms, living in the shadows and not embracing all that God has in store for me. Some days I have wanted to regress. Some days I have wanted to run from God. It almost seems easier.
I realise that I need to work through the grief of losing my old self. As strong as that person seemed, as happy-go-lucky as that girl seemed and encouraging she was to so many – she was carrying so much pain, she was broken, she thought very little of herself and she was so hard on herself. She was gullible and so easily believed the lies of the enemy.
I’m no longer that broken person. I no longer need to live in the shadows and as daunting as it may be at times to embrace all the freedom, victory and healing that God has brought and is still bringing to my life –it’s a million times better than the place that I used to be. The person I used to be. That person is gone and there’s no going back! As much as I miss some of those old comforts of lies, brokenness and the shadows, I know that that person was carrying a lot of pain, no hope and both how dysfunctional and destructive I used to be.
It’s time to say goodbye and there’s no turning back.
Bye Felicia. I mean, bye Bianca!