WHERE DO I BELONG?
At the ever awkward arrival of my pubescent stage of life, I could not only feel the physical changes to my body, but the emotional changes as well. I felt a great sense of needing to belong. I struggled with an incessant need to express myself - as I found myself on many occasions feeling lonely, unwanted, unpretty and even bullied.
By the time I reached the age of 17, I was surrounded by girlfriends who were either dating or had self-image issues. I battled to understand the place we, as young women, were meant to hold in society. In the company of females, I found the nature of the conversations largely unpleasant and negative. They always seemed to veer back to men, betrayal, loss, guilt, shame and anger. I began to realise that females are emotional beings and in fact they had a very difficult time not expressing these vulnerabilities.
Securely aboard my own personal roller coaster of emotions, I thought that life was all about living each day with its individual trials and tribulations, only to one day die - chapter closed.
In matric, I entered into my first serious relationship and felt a deeper sense of needing to belong to someone or something. During my relationship, in the moments I felt happy, I thought that was what belonging must feel like - when someone “loves” you and treats you right. On the days I felt unloved, however, I struggled with feelings of unworthiness and a very low self-esteem. In the true form of my identity crisis, I came to the conclusion that my character and worth was defined by the guy I was dating at the time.
It is shocking what we as women will put ourselves through to feel loved by a man. I believe that many women will do anything to belong when they do not know where their identity lies. I went through it and today I am a living example of that realisation.
Convicted by shame and worthlessness when this relationship ended, anti-depressants consumed me and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually time helped to mend the heartache of lost love, but I could never understand why the incessant need of wanting to belong still haunted me.
I started feeling lonely and fearful of what each living day would bring to my world. My fire of doubt was fuelled as I continued to feel that I would never be accepted for the person I believed myself to be. Pretences of societal preferences masked me daily in an effort to feed this insatiable desire to fit in. I still recall the nights I cried myself to sleep. I found myself crying without trying to make a sound because I didn’t want the person sleeping in the next room to hear me. I would grip my teeth together so no sound came out and lie there in the dark drowning in my deep seeded pain, scored only by the soundtrack of my heart racing.
Many years (and a few failed relationships) later, I discovered why I had always carried this need of wanting to belong with me. I found myself. By this I mean I discovered my value, identity, worth, strength, purpose and mission.
I discovered that one treats things that you value differently and I had to start by valuing myself. Through this I also learned that comparison can become good when it becomes inspirational. How I view myself is beautiful and not anyone else’s opinion of me! There are no words to describe the incredible sense of relief this simple realisation delivers.
When I had my encounter with Jesus, he relieved my soul. He told me who I am, and Who I belong to. The One and only God, the Father, my one true love and prince of peace. His love is all-consuming, in every way. I felt it then and still feel and experience it to this very day. Yes, I do belong to the King above all King’s. He is the author of my faith and I will dwell in His house forever more.
Recently, I watched a clip of a sermon by one of my favourite Women of God, Lisa Bevere, and amongst many, is this powerful line:
“Stop comparing, diversity makes us one. Young girls you BELONG, moms you BELONG and grandmas you BELONG. You are not on the outside looking in. God needs you to be His eyes looking out.”
1 John 20:20-21 (MSG) – “But you belong. The Holy One anointed you, and you all know it. I haven’t been writing this to tell you something you don’t know, but to confirm the truth you do know, and to remind you that the truth doesn’t breed lies.”
It is with power that I confirm that my true identity lies in NO other man than the one who died on the cross for my sins 2000 years ago. Your identity in Jesus Christ does not judge or condemn you. It creates a new life, one where you are free from the constraints that make you feel unworthy or unloved, free from the fear of failure and free from the pressure to compromise yourself to belong. You are free. You do belong. You belong to Christ Jesus, and His love is unconditional.
Blog By: Tarryn Doolings
Founder Sweet Fragrance